Word Salad
 

New policy-No more then two expressions per person please!

Sharing the experiences of others who have a similar illness can be very soothing and supporting.  It's good to know that we are not alone and that we may have a lot in common. Here are writings and poems of people who suffer from depression/bipolar illness, etc.

If you would like to submit something, just E-mail me Please include any information that you want to be published such as name, title of expression, date you wrote it, and e-mail address. You may submit poems, stories about your illness and how it affects you, journal entries, or just your general thoughts. Please note, these are original works and may not be copied or used in any way without written consent of the author. If you would like to read some of my poems click here: Juliet's Poetry

                                       Contributors                                                             

Arthur Title Arthur Title
Andrea Hidden Rich R Untitled
Ashley Hold the Hope Holly Reilly Untitled
Ashley Mirrors in the Darkness Rex Untitled
Bev N. Oblivion    
Dana Journal Entry-12/2007    
David  Untitled A. Stembridge Oddities
Amber Grisetti Landon A. Stembridge December
Amber Grisetti Brother Lost A. Stembridge That which must never be thought upon


Suzanne
Untitled


Suzanne
Untitled
Kathleen A Fine Line

Kimberly
Perfidy

Eldon Cline Children Of War


Eldon Cline Fate
Michael Reflections on Depression Bas van T. Question ?
Blair Nixon Slow Suicide Bas van T. Extacy & Agony
Rich R Untitled Bas van T. Untitled
Rich R Untitled

Rich R Untitled


Somewhere between happy and sad
I catch myself crying
over it all
I have too much stress and nowhere
to release it out
I am tired
tired of all the moodiness
and head spinning
racing thoughts
with nowhere to go
with them

So I sit in a darkened room
surrounded by candles
crying, then not, all over again

Please don't blow out the candles

Holly Reilly


My skin was bluish gray
my eyes felt a haunted pain
I reached towards my dog's leveled face
For his healing affections
Thwarted
I sank deep
and deeper
I appeared asleep to those who knew of me
I prayed I should fall back to
sleep.....

Written by: Rich R.

Safe
House
Loud streets anxious, malignant
Who could have known such an
Obnoxious fate dear design
Designer of apathy quit me now
be done with your abusive
resuscitations
Of lame product
of the prison past
Will you stop, will you stop
The pain.

Written By: Rich R.

My mind needs to learn the art of silencing
I am tired of its frayed rule over me
Take me to the fountains of wet nothing
To splash my burning veins,
to cool my minds tempered tortures.

Faces in the wind
I ache for your Divine approval
Take me to the rock of mountain vines.
Luck is a raucous joke,
I want Your real peace, I want the steady smile,
a seizure of sorts shaking off the pain of the story life.
Oh yes, I am out there, yes, too too long
Please my Lord don't let me be sent back to the caves in the cliffs...

Blue ambition beside shallow tears
does anyone know your name?
The hollow ghost forms sad shadows down the hallway
Show me, I am afraid to see.
Open your hand, this day
a static delusion under the cool stars
we seem to seek a slow dope
......Uh-oh, seems no one's listening to me again.......

Tomorrow is another day, I think
Read me your love tonight,
I shall not yet sleep again
Breathe softly into my eyes, cold and deep
I walk against the grain of this hardened world
A bitter pride waits of me.
Gray skies hide the tears in her eyes
Learn to forget

Will you dine w/ me
Will you sleep w/me
Will you cry w/me
Will you die w/me
Once again I ask of you.....

Would you be me........?

Written by: Rich R.

there once was a place
we meant to be
i was there alone, once peeking in........
what i saw ripped my face off
anointed seamstress collision
a young stray dog passed before me
i tried to raise my hand to reach,
she ran scared
through the wooded path, towards the blue lites
in the distant past
severely wounded, i was far too alive to be dying
i was at home with the nite, rite then an' there
staring upward, the trees blanketed my bursted wineskin
the earth held me close, as my voice cried from the ground
i knew i was disappearing,
the blue lites flickered, like the beat of a good song
my beaten car closed it's eyes, a bouncing nod
everything about me so still, so damn quiet........
i moaned in effort to silence it
raising my head, i heard something say "hang..., in there, kid"
then it hit
me.
i wasn't going to wake up
i was sentenced to stay alive
with teeth clenched of strung-out madness,
all i could do was close my eyes for deluded relief.................

blood cries in the still of the night

Written By: Rich R.


'oddities'

strange,
like a child rolling snow
in the blackest hours of the night
an avelanch of insecurities pressing
layer upon layer of life and lie
frozen skin shivering
another snowflake falls
now, me.

1998 A. Stembridge  E-Mail: stembrim@Mercury.Public.Lib.GA.US

'December'

Entering this realm with hope extinguished,
Falling from heights we once held so true
Outside I hear the whispering echos, now
Passing through me like the ghost of you
Searching in this realm of dreaming,
Benumbed with perfect solitude
I remember the image of December's rose,
A withered and dying impression of you

1996 A.Stembridge   E-Mail: stembrim@Mercury.Public.Lib.GA.US

'That which must never be thought upon'

Look up tonight, see time dissolve
Into emptiness; millions of eyes gaze down
And peirce your soul
Swirling, turning, churning, points of light
Reassure yourself, "there is no beginning,"

And chase the fear of your dreaded end
Breathe life into the cold lips of eternity,
Pray to God you return, then wish Him well
:a swoon
Fall prey to a strange hypnosis;
A sickly sweet odor fills the air
:an escape
Face melts and stains your clothes
Dribbling and oozing towards the Earth,
You feel the warm dampness against
Your delicate skin, begging for the same.
Turn now to reflect
:seek eyes in the mirror
Gaze into your emptiness, your hollow shell;
Feel now, feel it suck you within
A void, a hole inside, a bottomless well
Of blackness and cold
Hear now; the screams, the sirens, the distant pleads
A thousand shards of looking glass
Falling like the Purest snow
On a cold December's night
A thin line, a glistening crimson line
Reaches for some new understanding
The whispers fade into a tortured grimace,
The final words come to rest and a gentle smile
Takes their place
You fade into nothing.

1996 A.Stembridge E-Mail: stembrim@Mercury.Public.Lib.GA.US


Hidden

The confusion of life envelopes me and then swallows me whole
It rips my young, innocent body to shreds
Life, it has no mercy, no sympathy
It only offers pain with no possible bonus of an occasional smile.
The pain wears heavy on my body
Visible scars
As well as those deeply embedded in my heart
The hurt flows from my body,
Causing more pain and complexity to my life.
I keep my scars concealed to outsiders
Because they pretend, pretend to not notice
And pretend not to understand.
All the while though,
they keep their scars hidden too,
hidden from the harsh winds of the human tongue.
Hearts are frozen cold
The result of its melting is only tears and flowing pain
I feel so lost in the mazes of life
I cant find my way out
No one's there to lead the way
Or show me how.
There's no help offered, just isolation......

Written by: Andrea


Hold the Hope

Hold the Hope for me my friends for one day I will reach out and retrieve it from you. When that day comes I will standing atop a mountain with all goodness around me and I will watch the storm that's on the horizon disappear. For I am Ashley, the only one person like me anywhere and I deserve all goodness and love that is sent my way. No more storms shall ever come my way for I stand a top a mountain surrounded by al l good and positive. Hold the hope for me my friends for one day the mountain and I shall be one.

Written By:  Ashley (1989)

Mirrors in the Darkness

With the early morning waking blur I know of what is never to be Pain that was withheld from me, I realize now I can call on...The intensity of suicide, which brings on many twists. I will take it or leave it, I shall do as I please. I try to find a way to make all my lives relate knowing now I am extinct. Losing for thirty years, realizing this game of life brought only dry tears. Don't let the face fool you, I hold onto only the losing card which has been placed before you I cheat to win and win to cheat, and coward away before I am beat To beat the pain I give up only my name

Time has a way of gnawing at our layers but is not felt when it launches, but as it bores its way under, the misery intensifies and the season sneers I once read "To be or not to be?" Hamlet could not hold that key so why should it be me? (1998)

Written By: Ashley 


Life of the party sometimes
Other times hiding
Sitting alone and wondering, crying

Knowing that someone inside me is sleeping
That spirit is silent and dormant and lost

Rising each day and not knowing what waits
Will I feel like a million or nothing at all

Does anyone hear me, or do I care anyway?
If I write a good song today maybe they'll say
He's so good, he's so great, he's o.k.

Not trying to rhyme or make sense of it all
like I do when I'm up there...before the great fall

All I'm saying is life is confusing at times
being super on Tuesday and a loser next week
Wanting only to find a warm place I can sleep

Not wanting to hurt anyone, or offend or let down
But life is so much like a merry-go-round
Control seems so fleeting and I don't want to quit

But I'm wandering now if I should, if I do
I'll not see the top again and that is where you
love me and want me to stay and be good

I guess I'll keep trying like a good person should

Written By: Rex E-Mail: rexd@mediaone.net


I can write this really fast
Flying fingers like rubber band
Slipping around the Sunday paper
And to my door flying through dark
Air.

Its when I take the time
Concentrate my son,
They told me
Discipline and focus are the great
Dilutors of my genius

Sniffing perfumes in the pharmacy
Is just where I'd rather be.

David 1998


Reflections on Depression

Talkative, but not talking;
Competitive, but not competing;
Unique, but indifferent;
Productive, but not producing;
Strong, but lacking strength;
Looking, but not seeing;
An introverted extrovert;
Assertive, but not asserting;
Creative, but not creating;
An achiever not achieving;
Thought-filled, but speechless;
Not a veteran, but battle-weary;
Listening, but not hearing;
Tired, but not sleeping;
An optimist turned pessimist;
In a stupor, but not stupid;
Alone in a crowd;
A person without personality;
A participant, but not participating;
Hungry with no appetite;
Day after eternal day;
Imprisoned with no crime;
Hopeless, yet hopeful;
A heart incapable of emotion;
Alive, but not living.

O doctor, I come to you in quiet desperation;
Session, after session, after session;
You provide little relief, but any is worthwhile;
There is sympathy in your words, but no
  empathy in your heart;
You know, but do not understand;
You watch near powerless as my face grows
  narrow, my skin pale, my eyes lifeless, my
  voice fragile, my body scant, my thoughts
  incoherent, my mind stagnant;
Can you hear my silent screams?
I wish you could do more, but you are only
   human.

O medication, technology's answer, can't you
  do something more?
I wish your relief was as magnificent as your
   colors;
You provide little help, but any is worthwhile;
I am with you, and you with me; day after day,
  week after week, month after month...
You have become part of my being.

O tempting Death, I fear You not;
I embrace You, we are almost one;
For You are Death itself, and I am living dead;
  just a breath away;
I have been living in the valley of Your shadow, I
   am not afraid;
I envy You, Everlasting Peace; how nice that
  must be;
But Death, You are too easy;
You create more problems than You solve;
What of shaming my family, my friends, my
  forefathers, my God?
I know You are ready for me, but I am not ready
  for You.
I wish I could get thoughts of You off my mind.

O Master Depression, my cross to bear, you are
  a mighty beast indeed; but I, a worthy
  adversary;

I respect your disrespect for me;
You may have me defeated, but I am far from
  conquered;
Just as modest David struck down the leviathan
  Goliath; I, too, shall render you powerless;
You may have escaped Pandora's Box, but Hope
  will always remain;
My arsenal of: the unbounded love of my family,
  my doctor's counsel, mutual support, and un-
  relenting perseverance, will break your evil grip;
You are of this earth and fleeting; my mind is
  infinite; the human spirit, invincible;
I live in joyful anticipation of the day, when you
  are nothing more than an unpleasant memory;
I must always remember, that it is darkest before
  the dawn;
Ultimately I know, I will be a stronger person for
  having braved your terrible storm.

Written By: Michael November of 1990 E-Mail:trony@ix.netcom.com


Question ?

As in one day, there's a beginning, an end to all this...
Light years of sorrow away I can see.
All I feel now is sheer misery.
So where there's night, there's a day that'll come!
Even if darkness consumes all your fun.

Dissolving in peace into all there is;
Being in unity - ecstatic bliss!
Feelings of joy, they melt my mind,
Nothing to think, touch, see - I'm blind.
Brilliant light consuming me,
in a moment it's gone leaving misery...

When it has past, This day that's my life;
Autumn, spring, winter, and what now does last ?
I hope for a summer 'till the end of time...
Ecstatic bliss will you once more be mine ?

1998 Bas van T.   E-Mail: Reyals@dds.nl

Extacy & Agony

When grace befalls us
And we soar high once again
fear dissolves... Living for ten!

When guilt rises High
And the Tides break the sun
nothing can help us, not even fun...

So laughter subsides
And tears stream the land
The only way to die - is by your own hand!

So these times have finished
Nothing left to say
Let the demons flee - far, far away...

Next there'll be sunshine
I say: `let there be light'
Next time's harvest but now I'm all right.

So in bliss I'll live
When demons have fled
Next they'll be back - for they have to be fed!

Then laughter'll subside
And guilt will rise high
But now I feel good - So I'll just fly...

1998 Bas van T.   E-Mail: Reyals@dds.nl

Oh, yeah; I am manic
Beautiful world
Sick sky - grey and wet
I feel so strange
Trough this escape...

           As darkness touches my soul
           I scream
           Not loud, not soft, not at all
Pain
          My voices scream
          Loud, Loud, The Evil Rises on
Pain

         Evil screams
         Loud, Loud, The Light Fades Away

Pleasure

        Darkness fades . . .
        Light fades . . .
        Gloom fades . . .

Pain

       Total rest, total silence
       My soul has transformed

Pain

      Sun will never rise again

1993 Bas van T.   E-Mail:Reyals@dds.nl


brother lost...

my little bro was left behind when i first became ill, and we've never really
reconnected or talked about that period and his problems. we don't know how. so
this is for you roberto...

my brother lingers;
a nagging memory
buried beneath minutiae
of everyday survival;
you vanish as a breath of smoke
'til you're almost free-
but hauled back by
my dark chains-
bone weak and flooded with madness
forgive me.

Amber Grisetti E-Mail:Ambrosia54@aol.com

Landon

this one is for Landon, my nephew; and a cancer survivor at 5 years old.

a blind child questions;
the windows glow
    -he listens-
as the winds dance
to the rhythm of the earth,
never to be held prisoner,
nor to ask who
or why
or how long-
his two dazzling eyes
celebrate every star

Amber Grisetti E-Mail:Ambrosia54@aol.com


A Fine Line

The journey is a frantic one
for one who tries to balance
on the tightrope of life
Lions are unleashed
the looming reality
meets with fear
Spirit overwhelmed
    Vision blurred
       Monstrous ideas
Efforts to control
confounded by forces
                         outside of influence
      the last fall into insanity

~ then comes a safety net
      a rescue attempt
by one who walks on solid ground
     but has never known the darkness.

2/5/98 Kathleen


Slow Suicide

There is a suicide
That is not quick and painless.
It is one of slow,
and agonizing torture.

Not only for the nearly departed,
but for everything
and everybody he touches.

It is a death that comes cell by cell,
emotion by emotion,
One that infects all that he touches.

Like the Leper,
traveling hamlet to hamlet.
Casting his curse upon others
Never to know what he has done,
Nor whom he has affected.

Death, misery and torment
Follow in his wake.
A legacy of his existence.
Corpses scattered,
as far as the eye can see.

Blood fills the streams of life,
of love.
Oh, we weep for those
That could have been saved.
If only the watchman
Had been awake.

But instead, he chose to sleep,
To, but for a moment,
Remove himself from the terror
that he knew was on the horizon.
 

Do we blame the Watchman?
Or do we blame the Leper?
The one that stands guard?
Or the one that brings Death?

We cannot find fault with one or the other,
For they are one in the same.
Death and Deliverance.

Blair Nixon 1/99



My mind  is clouded with so much anger and frustration,
It’s no wonder I’m constantly plagued by extreme irritability.
The sound of life causes me to grit my teeth,
It sets my head into a wild torment of confusion

Why am I so angry today?
The thought continues
On and on and on…
I find myself caught in the exact middle of a perpetual question.
Never ending,
Always ringing through muted ears
It asks a question I can’t answer,
And I ask it of myself.
Nothing comes of it.
I feel unable to lift myself
Out of my ‘spiral world’
Long enough to make some kind of sense of it.
It continues.
Then I’m left completely alone,
Darkness engulfs,
Suspicions float to the surface.
Are they looking at me?
Talking about me?
Plotting some horrible conspiracy against me?
I’m totally alone.
I feel cold.
I sit quietly,
Trying not to talk to anyone.
I must look so miserable
Moody.
People must think
I’m a horrid, spoilt brat,
With a bad attitude
As though I don’t care about anyone but myself
BUT THAT’S A LIE!!
I’m not myself today,
And I don’t know quite when
I will be again.
Tears of frustration
Keep threatening
When I feel overwhelmed.
I sit in a crowded room,
People talk constantly.
It’s too much,
The voices
Are all one loud buzzing to me,
It’s too much!
I’m alone.
I feel cold.
Will this never end?

Suzanne Subimitted May 2004


A drifting glance,
Lands me in the sky
I feel privileged,
I feel high.
Looking about,
It’s beauty shines.
Each cloud is pure art,
Each cloud blinds.
A gust of wind,



It sends shivers down my spine.
It’s exhilarating,
It’s mine.
Stretching hands,
Further and further,
I’ll reach that place,
I’ll reach it one way or another.

Suzanne Submitted May 2004


12 September 2007
 By: Dana
 
Losing It
 
I wonder, am mystified actually about this thing that randomly chooses to drown my self.  Never knowing when something will have happened in my head and I am once again swallowed by the big black pit of nothingness.  Were those little signs along the way, or just life?  What if I really do implode one of these days?  My very being is being suffocated in invisible blood.  Barely hanging on, I have to.  Who will care for my animals?  Those around me can't truly understand, but I cannot and do not blame them.  I've gotten quite good at hiding it.  I have learned the hard way everyone leaves when my confusion and pain bleeds out...


Perfidy

White, blinding, fiery sphere
Consuming me, feeding me
Pushing darkness into a peripheral abyss
The beast harnessed I soar upward bursting forth from streets of misery
Thunder applauds, peals of light wave their banners

The raging beast now unfettered turns seeking to devour
Perfidious slave becomes master
Enraged the beast implodes, white hot ash falls silent
A blanket of darkness suffocates as
Unseen demons taunt in whispering echoes

Cursing the beast I hate as I long for it to return
Vile, beautiful, destroyer, friend
Captive I see the pain it has planned for me
Take me again I hold nothing back if only

In that final frenzied pinnacle release me that I may escape forever

~Kimberly (Jan. 2009)

This was written to me in e-mail in Nov 2009 From Eldon Cline. Here is the note and two of his poems.
~Juliet~

Hello,
 
I found your website while I was doing some research this afternoon. I took some time and read through some of the works that where posted on your website. I have been interested in poetry for the last 8 or 9 years and did some pieces in my early twenties. During that time I felt the high highs and the low lows but I never knew there was a problem. Later with corporate stresses I went into a high high manic state at the age of 33. The doctors determined that I am Bipolar 1 and started treatment. Over the last 9 months I been trying to sort it all out. Finally I have come to the point of embracing my creative side with all the gifts that it holds.
 
Please feel free to post my experiences mentioned above with my poetry. 
 
Wish me luck and good luck to you.

Cordially,
 
Eldon Cline



Children of war


Angel kisses whisper
Sweet melodies of drama

Cherubic faces crumble
as earth finds its dharma

Innocence, both mourner
and carrion at the feast

Seasoned with a sprinkle
of guilt within the beast

As the spoils of war settle at their feet
The crimson tide prepares their fate

The soldiers traverse into the twilight
Preparing to enter hellfire’s gate

The ranks of children stare from blood covered faces
Mars light blazes in place of their eyes

Lost from the wings of the Seraph
As the cherub breaks through realities lies

Their hearts no longer beat in innocence
As the war cries rise in the distance

The war passion gathers alacrity
With clarity the gather their independence

Sworn allegiance to the colder plight
of Pluto where Nirvana waits

To be built like the Roman cities
an era defaced, rewritten in path of the king

The warriors cry, the soldiers die
The conflict yields its fatal sting

And now that all the smoke is cleared
they look to see what's left

A burning cauldron of dying flesh
The civilized, now bereft

Oh angels we beseech come back to us
and bless this cursed land

For all the wheat and grain's been burned
and all that's left is sand

Copyright Eldon Cline

Fate

A gentle rain falls across the city lights
Casting amiable hues transverse my sight
The wind nudges me on, reminding me of my plight
Whisperings secrets of the night

Echoing footfalls reverberate from the street
Broken dreams lay at my feet
Telling tales of her hearts deceit
Funny how we choose the people we meet

Gathering strength as I look around
Pushing away the passion I’ve found
Calming my heart that pounds
As it cries out with a frantic sound

Trying to escape through the mist
Hounded by her gentle kiss
Fate fettered my wish
Smashing before me like a fist

Stumbling I am cast to one knee
Screaming to the heavens I plea
Beseeching with passion to let me be
Closing my eyes love is all I see

~Copyright Eldon Cline~